In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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