I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
