A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
