Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
