Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
