I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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