I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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