Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
