Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
