They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
