at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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