4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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