he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
