Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
