I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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