Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
