I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
