Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
