did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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