Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
