Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
