Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
