I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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