i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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