So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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