If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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