never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
