Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
