I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
