I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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