My balls are so social today.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
