I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
NoShamevember. You game?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
