I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
