i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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