just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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