the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
