i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
