and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
