I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
