Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
