there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
