im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
