My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Randomize
