What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
