he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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