So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
