so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
