This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
