She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
