Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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