remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
