I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
