Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
