Where are you?
In a non slutty way
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
